I think about writing in here often. There is so many things I want to keep so close to me, so many memories, that I feel like the only way to keep them is to write them. And the only way to write them and not lose them is to put them here. My children are growing bigger and smarter and funnier all the same. We measure each child weekly, it seems, and often at least one has grown. Teeth are being lost by what seems like the week and new teeth are quick to grow in. New words are being learned by all and I am often frozen still in time at what is going on around me. Much of my life is out of control. And I don't mean that in a stressful sort of way. But more of a factual comment. I can't control tantrums or attitudes (only mine, and that is hard as it is!). I can't control who will eat dinner or how many times I will have to ask a certain child to put their shoes/jacket/pants on. Or change their socks (SILAS!). And what is most striking is that I cannot control time. It just goes on. It happens. The sun sets and rises and an alarmingly fast rate. I can't will my children to stay put in any moment. I can't stop time and enjoy it longer than time allows. I can't keep Rocco at two or Ivy as a baby. Some days I am easily okay with the fact, and other days I force myself to be okay with it all.

In the past eight years of parenting I have been through hard seasons and sweet spots. This blog has been a blessing to this sentimental soul and I have so enjoyed remembering each season documented as I read through. I keep on meaning to keep up as much as I can because years from now I will want pictures and stories of the right now.

And right now I feel like I am living in a memory. I can look back and remember what it was like having only two kids and both of them were home full time. No rushing out the door in the morning, no place to be, just time on our hands. I never looked forward on those days wondering what it would be like never having those days back. From now on I will always have a child that needs to get to school during the week (until my last one graduates (tear!) ) and I  never realized how sweet it was just being home with the two. Stressful and lonely days, yes, but also it was so lovely just being. That is a sweet memory I would not mind slipping back in for at least a moment.

The right now memory is having our au pair Quezia. This season of our life is so rich and overflowing with life and love and moments that are going to be so unique to this year. I am soaking it all up. I am trying to remember it all as it unfolds. Veda LOVES Quezia almost to a fault. She likes to be by her and be with her and do everything in her company. Quezia is so sweet and genuine and makes Veda feel so special. Veda will yell down the stairs "QUEEEEZZZIIIIIAAAA!!!!" She will ask to rest with her in her bed, color with her, play outside or bake. Quezia has been the sweetest addition to our family. Rocco used to blame his stinky diaper on Ivy, now he just tells me that Quezia already changed him. Hilarious! Quezia takes the kids outside to play in the snow while I make dinner and then helps with the dishes. She makes it so I can practice some self care (go to the gym and take a shower by myself!), she makes it possible for me to get to school on time for drop off and pick up and makes it so I don't feel like I just ran a marathon by 9am. She has only been here 6 weeks and I don't know what I will do without her. She is sweet and kind and smart and oh so loving. She is confident and explores, she easily makes friends and has the happiest disposition about her. My prayer is that my daughters grow up to be like her. I am so thankful for her presence in our lives. We are fuller and richer and so much better with her in our family. We are living in a dream. We are living THE dream. We are living in what might be one of our most precious memories.

Ivy's Birth Story

Due date was March 5th. February crawled by and I never felt that I-need-to-get-this-baby-out-of-me feeling. I desperately wanted to meet him/her, but I never hit that extremely uncomfortable stage. Because of that I was pretty convinced that this baby was going to be late. Really late. I was prepared to wait. Almost too prepared as I had nothing ready until a few days before delivery. Still (7wks postpartum) she doesn't have a nursery. And her clothes remain scattered all over the desk in our loft area. But it works (for now!). 

Also, as excited as I was to meet this new miracle, I was also sort of dreading it. New babies equal stress (to me at least). I was enjoying my full nights sleep and was pretty nervous to bring home a new baby to our already chaotic house. And not knowing the gender created a bit of a disconnect for me. I'm guessing that was what I was feeling. Maybe it was the anticipated stress, or that I really didn't have time to daydream about this new life in me. Whatever the case, I felt very disconnected to baby. It was odd feeling so ho-hum about it all while she was baking away. I prayed for her often and was confident that the moment I laid eyes on this child I would fall in love. And I was right!

Her arrival:

It was a Monday. February 29th. Leap Day! I was due in five days. All that day I was having mild contractions. I'd say they were more exciting than braxton hicks, but I wouldn't have been surprised if I was still pregnant in a week. I had my 39 week appointment that day, but ended up cancelling it because I didn't have childcare for Rocco. The last time I brought him with me I ended up in tears by the end of the day. I just wasn't willing to over do it being so pregnant. And my last appointment I had both Rocco and Veda with me so I opted to not have my cervix checked. So at this point I had no idea if I was dilated or effaced at all.

By late afternoon I noticed an every slight bloody show. I vividly remember my midwife telling me that there's no false labor after you see the bloody show. So that was in the back of my head.

We went to bed around 10:30pm and I remember thinking -oh good, I for sure won't have a Leap Day baby since I'm still pregnant and it's 10:30 at night. 

12:30am I have a painful contraction. I could surely talk through it, but definitely could not sleep through it. I took note of the time. Ten minutes later I had another contraction. Eight minutes later another. I woke up Joe and explained my situation. I was vacillating back and forth if I should call the hospital yet. A few minutes later I had another. We decided to get things rolling since Rocco came so fast. 

I called the hospital and told them that we were probably going to be coming in soon. I texted my  midwife (she gave me her cell number because she was going to try to deliver my baby even if she wasn't on call. Freakin LOVE HER!). I texted the photographer. And then Joe called the neighbor, Jennifer, to stay at the house until Joe's dad got here. By this time it was around 1:15am

On the way to the hospital we got pulled over for speeding. The friendly cop let us off the hook and told us to 'drive safe and watch for deer.' Then as we exited the highway the car got a flat tire. Thankfully the hospital was literally across the street from the exit so we just kept on driving. 

Joe wheeled me to maternity from the ER and my midwife, Liz, and a nurse, Andrea, were waiting for me on the other side of the double doors. The plan was to do a water birth so I got wheeled to the delivery room with the tub.

They had to monitor baby's heart rate for a while before I could get in the tub. While I was hooked up to the monitor I labored on the bed for about twenty minutes. 

Squeezing Joe's hand through every contraction. Liz was amazing as she coached me every step of the way reminding me to not fight each contraction, but to let my body do the work to get the baby down. I would tend to tense up and lift my shoulders to my ears. She would gently lower them and help me relax. 

Once the tub was filled and they knew baby's heartbeat was steady I asked if they could check how far I was dilated. I was at seven centimeters. OK, I thought, I can do this, I am almost done. I wobbled over to the tub between contractions and right as my body hit the warm water I felt relief. Being weightless and in warm water was almost like a drug.

I closed my eyes and squeezed Joe's hand through every contraction. Joe was calm and relaxed. I just continued to ask him to pray (in his head). I felt very peaceful and each person in the room was so calm and comforting. Including my photographer who was also praying. 

Liz continued to remind me that each contraction was helping the baby come down. 

Some contractions were more intense than others. I could feel the baby moving lower and I was hanging on my midwives every word. I vividly remember the two contractions before my water broke. The first was extremely intense, I wondered how many of those I could survive. And the next was very mild. I thought it was strange, but was thankful for the small break. 

I remember asking Liz if I had hit transition yet. And how long she thought it would be until I could push. Neither question she could really answer with certainty, but she was affirming and encouraging nonetheless. All I wanted to know was how much longer I had to labor so I could mentally prepare myself. But that's the thing with labor; you just don't know. I couldn't see any finish line. There was no mile markers. All I knew was that I was past seven cemtementers dilated and that I could feel the baby getting lower. I wanted more info!

After the one very mild contraction my water burst open and my body was forced to push. I pushed one hard push and remember saying, "OH MY GOSH THIS HURTS SO BAD!!" I may have even cussed, not sure. But out came our sweet baby. 2:26am 

No time for the midwife to put her gloves on. I was so glad it was only one push because I wasn't sure I could handle much more.

I saw the baby and she reminded me so much of Silas that I thought it was a boy. And I also remember thinking how small this baby was. So tiny.

It's a GIRL! It's a healthy, screaming girl. There's my face when we saw it was a girl. I was surprised. Although I had more thoughts of this baby being a girl, if anyone asked me what I thought I was having I would sincerely say boy. Joe was even more surprised a he was pretty convinced it was a boy.

She laid on my chest for quite some time. This is my favorite picture from the night. I was wrapping my arms and head around another girl. How exciting! What a blessing! Veda gets a sister and we get to do the girl thing again. 

Here's daddy cutting the cord.

Here is Liz handing Ivy to Joe for the first time. Beautiful!

We finally got her weighed because I couldn't stand not knowing her sats. I knew she was smaller than my other babies, but would have never guess just under 7lb. She was 6lb 14oz. That explains why I wasn't as uncomfortable at the end of the pregnancy.

The photographer left not long after this. Since her time was so short at the hospital she said she would come back in the morning and get photos of our other kids meeting Ivy for the first time. 

In the mean time we had to figure out what to do with Joe and our car with the flat tire. It was about 3:30am when I suggested Joe go back home since there was no way his dad could get the kids ready in the morning and bring them to the hospital by himself. And because the makeshift hospital guest beds are never very comfortable. He tried to get a cab, but nothing was available in Hudson, Wisconsin until 5am. So he settled in the pull-out couch/chair/bed in the hospital room for the night. The nurse got him all set up and by the time they moved me to that room he was passed out in his boxers. 

Thankfully, Joe's mom ended up helping Grandpa get the kids to the hospital that morning. 

Here they are walking in the room meeting Ivy for the first time. They we so excited, but in a bashful kind of way. All smiles.

Ivy had a pink ball on her hat. But I still had them guess if it was a boy or a girl.

Even Rocco was smitten. And he still is. 

Love these first pictures of my baby girl and me. So special. 

Our first family photo with ALL of us! 

Note: I didn't not dress my children. Rocco's polka dot pants, cowboy boots and iron on checker tie. Not to mention his skid mark scabs from taking a dive on the concrete. Just keeping it real!

Ivy Priscilla Antonello

6lb 14oz 19 1/4in

March 1, 2016

2:26am

#4: Thirty Weeks

I'm thirty weeks pregnant and I've done nothing to document this pregnancy. Sorry kid! I don't have a picture but I thought I should at least jot down a few words.

First trimester was rough. I can't even explain. I never threw up and was functional, but the fatigue was unexplainable. I kept on thinking that this baby better hang on tight because if (God forbid) I had a miscarriage I would not plan another pregnancy. Dunzo. Cannot. But I plugged through. I plugged through a horrible cabin experience at Big Sandy where I'm certain we all got parasites and no one slept. Where the boat rides were torture for me and my one year old never stopped moving.

First trimester I craved Thai food. We ordered from a Thai restaurant near by weekly and my orders would be close to $20. A-because they arent' cheap and B-because everything sounded so good. I also craved coffee. I am not a coffee drinker. Mainly because it gives me the shakes. Even decaf can have an effect on me. But the sound of ice coffee was heavenly to me. I'd drink it sparangly, and it was oh so good.

Second trimester was but a mist. Felt great, minial complaints. Got the kids adjusted to the school schedule, finally figured out Rocco's allergy/eczema and he's SO much happier and survived moving the two older kids into one bedroom. I craved beer and wine. Like coffee, I don't care for beer or wine normally. Occasionally in my secont trimester I would crack open one of Joe's Bud Light Lime beers and have a few sips after lunch. Good gravey, each sip was so amazing. And wine, too. I never opened at bottle at home, but at a dinner party or some event I'd say yes to a few sips in my glass. Wowza!

Now I'm in my third trimester. I have two months left. I'm starting to get uncomfortable and if I'm on me feet too much I swell right up. I crave carbonation. I've been indluging myself with La Croix water. Growing up my mom always had carbonated drinks through the day and I never understood. Gross, I hate carbonation. Until now. I totally get it. It's like this pregnancy has flip flopped everything I ever identified myself as!

The larger I get the harder it is to get comfortable at night (naturally). Thankfully Rocco sleeps like a champ at night 94% of the time. And if one of the big kids come in to our bed in the middle of the night they go straight to Joe. So I'm usually uninterruped at night. Besidese the occasonal full bladder now and again.

My stomach gets full fast, which is always a bummer. And staying true to pregnancy in general, if I don't eat on time I almost pass out.

I can't really tell how baby is positioned. Sometimes I think he/she is head down because of where I feel the limbs moving, and other times I wonder if he/she is sideways as I think I feel a head or butt on my sides. I suppose baby is still moving around quit a bit in there.

I passed my glucose test. Booya! Barely, though. I was right on the line.

I have waves of anxiety as the due date is rounding the corner. Like, how is this possible. I JUST found out I was pregnant. And how am I going to care for four kids? I'm already at my max. And Rocco is still a baby, he's MY baby that I rock to sleep every night and I am not ready to give that up with him. And everybody needs me all the time. Logically I know it's possible because people have four or more kids all the time, but I am not sure I can emotionally handle the guilt of not physically and emotionally be there for all of them as much as they may need. I already feel like I constantly ping pong between three kids, how can I juggle a fourth?

And I have yet to even see the maternity ward at the hospital (I switched hospitals to follow my favorite midwife). And why do I still have so many questions when I've done this three time already?I find myself googling "things to bring to the hospital".

Since we are not finding out the gender things look a little different on the prearation end this time. And maybe that's because it's our fourth and I know that if I don't have a nursery perfectly ready before the baby comes WE ALL WILL STILL SURVIVE! Veda's old room will be baby's new room. The transitioning her out of her room was emotioanl for me in a werid and subtle way. It's not longer HER room. Gah! But Silas welcomed her to his room with open arms and with the first few rough nights out of the way they are doing great sharing. Veda actually sleeps better in her new room.

Anyway, so a room will not be ready. At all. Granted baby will sleep with us for a while so there is no rush to get the nursery set up. And we don't have a name. I mean, we have a girl and a boy name that we will probably use, but we both aren't in love with either name. Of all the people I talked to (surveyed) only one mom said she preferred finding out the gender as to being suprrised. ALL of the other moms rave about the surprise. But the one mom who liked finding out the gender better said it was becaue she felt more of a connection to the baby while she was carrying it. TOTALLY get that! I feel less of a connection not knowing the gender. Maybe it's because I am not imagining the baby since I don't know the gender or name. If it's a boy our life will look one way and a girl it will look another. So it's hard for me to do any forward thinking. Not that it's necesary. And of course once the baby gets here I will bond right away, I have no worries there. But I'm banking on the surprise being worth the wait.

I am having minor anxiety about this baby coming too fast. Veda was fast, Rocco was super fast and if things progress with each child I hope I make it across the boarder to Wisconson still pregnant! We plan on asking a neighbor to pop over and be with the kids while we head to the hospital as opposed to waiting thirty minutes for either my parents or Joe's parents to get here. And also I am hiring a friend to take photos of the birth and I need to make sure she is able to get there in time, too. Now after I just wrote this on the internet I'm sure this will be a long drawn out labor and delivery.  Ha! Please, no! I much perfer and speedy one, even if it's more intense. And a water birth is on my 'birth plan', but what really is in my birth plan is SURVIVAL! Hit me up with narcotics and an epidural if I beg, please!

Ok, I have to throw my orange La Croix can in the recycling and rinse out the empty brownie pan I just poished off before bed. Hopefully next post will include a belly picture. I average a shower every four days so I only have so many 'clean' and 'cute' days to take that photo ;)

Rocco: 18 months

Happy year and a half to The Baby. I took him to his Well Child Check today and he's 27.5 lbs (that's including his Binky) and 30 something inches. Both 85%. He is following his brother in the 90% for head! We are so grateful for a healthy little rascal. 

Says:

He is saying some words now. Super fun. Momma, hi, oh-uh, all done, hot, sat (what's that?), he also points to the light and says 'sat'...so who knows what 'sat' really means, no, woof (when he sees a dog), yuck, more (he signs that one), sometimes it sounds like he says "sys" for Silas, Dada, ball. He understands a lot of commands too which is super helpful when he's screaming in the car and I say, "Where is your binky?" and he searches around for it and shoves it in his mouth once he's found it at the end of the clip. Our first binky kid and I'm totally obsessed.

Does:

I think he can do just about every thing he isn't supposed to do. Open doors, flush toilets, push buttons in the car, steal toothbrushes, throw toilet paper in toilets, color on and in toilets, hide shoes, rip book pages, dump out the recycling, take the garbage bag out of the garbage, take pants and diaper off, hold breath until he passes out, you name it! The fun things he does are snuggle the stuffed animal (a personal fave), feed himself with utensils (he isn't saying much, but his hand-eye coordination makes up for it), throws away dirty diapers, gives hugs and kisses, pages through his favorite animal books, dances to music, plays peek-a-boo and wrestles. 

Eats:

This child's eczema is my biggest nemesis. I've been battling it for several months and in the process have pulled wheat, dairy, peanuts and eggs from his diet. It has help a ton, but he still has minor flare ups and it's not cured yet. I have heard differing opinions so I'm just kind of trying everything. So with that, he eats a lot of gluten free bread and sunbutter. He loves those baby food pouches. Lara Bars are usually a hit. Cereal, oatmeal, most all fruits, some veggies (cucumbers, and an occasional green smoothie if Dad shares his), he was loving those gluten and dairy free burritos, but then I got wind that if I cut out peanuts I should also cut out all legumes, so bye bye beans too. He does like meat. Loves rice and spaghetti. Sometimes I feel like I feed him the same foods over and over, but as I type this up I don't feel as trapped. He is picky though. One day he'll chow down cucumbers, the next they'll end up on the floor. It's fun!

Sleeps:

Most days he takes one long nap. 2-3hrs. Some days he's a mess by 10am and knowing I have to pick up Veda by 11:30 and wanting to avoid a car nap I put him down for an hour in the morning and then another hour later in the afternoon. He goes to bed somewhere between 7 and 8pm and sleeps 10.5 to 12 hours. I'd say more often than not he's up in the middle of the night. I was just telling his pediatrician that we have to sleep train him like every six weeks. It's ridiculous. We go out of town, or he gets sick, or I get lazy and let him sleep with me at 2am when I hear him cry and BAM he thinks he owns the night. Overall he is fully capable of sleeping 12 hours overnight. Those are my favorite nights! I still rock him to sleep and I love every second of it!

Dislikes:

Getting in the car seat. Once he's in he's usually golden (unless he's hungry), but getting him to bend his body and sit in the car seat is a battle 99% of the time. Sometimes giving him a toy or food works to distract him so I can get him to sit, but it's never a guarantee. On the weekends it's Joe's job to get Rocco in his car seat when he go places. It's a welcomed break for me. He hates being held or in a stroller/cart when he needs to be contained (swimming lessons, grocery store, Target) and loves to be held while I'm making a meal or getting the kids ready for school in the morning. It's comical! Cartoons do nothing or him. Not even Elmo. And if Veda smothers him he will let it be known that he is not having it. I'm happy he's got himself a back bone and limits!

Loves:

Gum (you have no idea how many times he's gotten into my gum and eaten a few pieces including the wrappers), music (sometimes it's the only thing that soothes/distracts him), wrestling, animals (books or the real things. He has no fear no matter the size of the animal. He stuck his hand in a sheep's mouth at the petting zoo.), his binky, my phone and of course his family! He lights up when he sees the kids each morning.

We love you Boo! You are our stinker-doo! 

Last and First

The last day of school. What a wonderful (and fast) year. Silas' teacher gave me a big hug as she dismissed him from her class for the last time. We both cried. She was such a wonderful and nuturing guide to him over the last two years. Although he strugged with some academic concepts, she saw his sweet nature and encouraged his strengths. We feel so blessed to have had her as Silas' teacher.

Veda did awesome as well. She did 5 half days of school and I'd occasionally let her stay for for a full day. She made a lot of great friends and excelled in her school work.

 Some kids feeding the Alpac's at the end of the year picnic. It's always entertaining when the kids come home from school and tell me the got to walk the donkey. ;)

First day of school this year. Same shirt for Silas!

This guy is now in first grade (Lower Elementary class 1st-3rd graders). And as you can see, he's thrilled to be in elementary. It's a big deal to be a big kid!

Veda is back in Ms Molly's class for year two of her three year cycle. She loves her teachers and her friends, but "mom when do I get to go to a new classroom???" She is envious of Silas' big kid status. Veda started out five half days at school again, but I quickly added two full days. She gets bored at home with me in the afternoons. Having her two full days cuts down on my driving AND it gives me to afternoons where I get some down time (assuming Rocco takes a good nap). She also thrives off the socail aspect of school and it's such a great outlet for her. Veda contiues to blow us away with her reading and writing skills. The two kids could not be more opposite in just about everything. And it is so cool to see their strengths shine through and their passions being encouraged at school.

One, Two, Three....JUMP!

Rocco is kickin' at home with me all day. I've finally wised up and realized that the kid just doesn't like to be at home. Or in our living room. If I take him upstairs to play in the bedrooms he does much better. But I've been trying to go somewhere each morning to keep in occupied. And if all goes as planned, he takes a long afternoon nap. I have to find the balance because sometimes I wear him out too much and he falls asleep on the way to pick up Veda at 11:30am. And then his nap is dunzo. It's an always changing, ever evolving cycle with kids. Just when you think you're in a good rhythm, BAM, something changes.

So here we are plugging through the school year. I feel like, beacuse of the deep rooted routine, the days and weeks go by so fast. It makes the weekends that much sweeter, though. We are much more intentional with our time on the weekends and have enjoyed doing big kid things with the big kids. It's a whole new world having school aged kids. The humor, the activities, the special moments, I am loving it more than I imagined. But, don't grow up too fast little ones, this momma still loves her snuggles!

Veda

Most afternoons I get to hang out with this girl, just us two. Baby naps, Silas is at school. I always tell her that we are the only girls so we gotta stick together. 

 The lighting was great while we were sitting at the table the other day so I grabbed my camera.

 She had let me pull some of her hair back for school that morning, and with the humidity her curls were amazing.

I let them play in the rain for a few minutes. I imagined way cooler photo opportunities with the bright green grass, playing-in-water excitement and the ringlets. This was the best I got!

Rocco's One!!!

This handsome guy is one today! I won a photo session at a silent auction so we had a fun cake smash session Saturday morning. She gave me one sneak peek right away and I love it!

Rocco is just a sweet loving boy who never stops moving. He is walking now. Still crawling too, but take lots of steps and seems to enjoy it. He loves playing with things he can't play with: my phone, the computer, the gate, condiments in the fridge, the broom. And he throws a good fit when those things are taken away from him.

He loves loves loves to dance and move to music. And will happily bang on the drum for a good amount of time.

Rocco eats lots of foods and has an opinion about them as well. Loves clementines, raisins, bananas, oatmeal, cheese, yogurt, some meats (when he feels like it), sweet potatoes, carrots, puree foods (when he feels like it), apple sauce, toast and pasta. Weird baby doesn't care for Cheerios or puffs.

He naps twice a day, and those naps are pretty steady so I don't see him dropping that morning nap any time real soon. He goes to bed around 7pm, depending on when his afternoon nap was and how long it lasted. He gets up once a night, and as annoyed as I get I still feed him because then I know he'll go back to sleep and sleep soundly until morning.

Rocco loves to push around cars and chase balls. He still enjoys eating paper scraps and he has a hay day if he gets into the marker bin.

Stroller rides are hit or miss, but he does pretty well in the car. Sometimes I worry that I forgot him at home when we're driving to school in the morning because he's so quiet.

He does well in the Ergo if need be (swimming lessons!) and speaking of, he still loves water. I can't take a shower without him protesting!

Rocco give sweet hugs and kisses and loves to snuggle before bed or nap. He will let just about anyone hold him and is very attached to his binky. One binky in his mouth, and one in his hand.

We love you Rocco-bear, Boopy, Boo Boo, Boo, Lover Boy, Stink Man, Rocky.....more than you will ever know!